Over the last several years, I’ve become acquainted with a dangerous mental predator that stalks my ability to concentrate, motivate myself, or focus on even the most innocuous of tasks — depression. For more than five years, I was the primary caregiver to my father as he struggled with Parkinson’s disease. My jobs were many and with little relief, and I wouldn’t think twice about doing it all over again. But when he died, it left a wound possibly more significant than his absence and one I couldn’t even see.
I found myself without focus. Regardless of my work or home life responsibilities, I was a man without a purpose. I was racked with grief and a feeling of guilt and failure. Inundated with thoughts like, “I should have been able to do more for him,” I wrestled daily with the idea that, for all our efforts, he still died. I slipped into a depressed state, something completely foreign to me.
I’d never felt depressed before, at least not in the clinical sense, so it was a new and sometimes overwhelming experience. Probably the most challenging part was having nothing to compare it to. I had no idea what was happening to me. Depression zapped every bit of focus from my being. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone, and I looked for diversion everywhere. Being a writer by trade, the inability to get my thoughts to coalesce was disquieting, making me even more anxious, which fed the depression.
Fortunately, my family helped me figure out what was happening. As is my way, I needed to know as much as possible, so I started researching. I’ve always been aware of depression and what it can do, but I was motivated to educate myself even more. I am by no means any sort of expert, but here are some highlights.
Depression affects more than 18 million adults annually. That’s one out of every ten people. Statistically, women are twice as likely to experience depression than men. That said, there are probably just as many men as women, and the data is off because women are more likely to seek treatment. Statistics come from known cases. If they’re not reported, they’re not counted. So, guys, I know you’re feeling it, too, and that’s OK.
The disorder also impacts the economy, resulting in more than $23 billion in lost workdays yearly. Since my job requires about 95 percent self-motivation, it’s probably good that I am independently employed, or I’d just be adding to that number. Of course, there’s no one to pick up the slack for me at work when I have a bad day like that. There have been days when I’ve not just been unproductive but thoroughly useless.
So, there I was — rather, here I am — a statistic. How did I overcome it? I didn’t, not entirely. Depression comes in several flavors, some of which can last for a short time, while others become chronic conditions. A laundry list of variables influences how it might affect you.
I admit I had to force the stubborn, “I can kick this” part of me to accept the depression and everything that came with it. I have to say, though, the most challenging part of all this wasn’t the depression but getting past the denial. I was all like, “Who, me? I’ve never been depressed in my life.” Yeah, there it was, regardless of whether I wanted to accept it.
After Dad passed, I had six weeks of grief counseling. It took a while to get comfortable with the idea, but I have to say it really helped. If you believe you’re experiencing symptoms of depression, talk to a healthcare professional as soon as possible. Your primary care physician might be a great place to start. They can help determine what’s going on and available treatment options.
Fortunately, my experience wasn’t more severe, and I had good people around me to help. Sometimes, it’s still a lot to manage and at least I’m better equipped than before. But if you’re feeling overwhelmed by depression, alone, and need immediate support, please reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Gery Deer is a Greene County resident and columnist. He can be reached at www.gldcommunications.com.
