It’s time once again for me to share a few more of my favorite puns with all the readers out there. Puns – just in case you don’t know it – exploit the different meanings of words that sound alike but have absolutely nothing in common.
Here are a few examples …
– An inventor devised a compass which he called a “Tate’s” but unfortunately the compass always pointed in the wrong direction and that prompted the inventor to observe “He who has a Tate’s is lost.”
– A man rented a suite of rooms at a plush downtown hotel and when he got inside to unpack he noticed there were 40 bottles of bitters on the table in his room. The man was a non-drinker so he phoned the hotel manager and asked if someone could come to the room and take the bottles away. “I’m sorry sir ” the hotel manager said “but you have to take the bitters with the suite.”
– Two Eskimos were sitting in their kayak suddenly felt a chill so they lit a fire but when they did the fire burned a huge hole in the bottom of the boat and the boat sank. It just proved that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
– Rudolpf Androkovski, a Russian, was visiting America and one day the president of a large bank took Rudolph on a tour of his bank. The bank president’s wife also went on the tour. When they finished the tour and stepped outside Rudolf held up his hand and said “It’s raining. “The bank resident also looked up at the sky and said “No, that’s not rain it’s snow.” Rudolf again said “Rain.” Then the bank president shook his head and insisted it was “Snow.” Not ot wishing to cause a knockdown argument the bank president’s wife turned to her husband and said “Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”
– Did you hear about the husband who said he wouldn’t care if he ever thaw another TV dinner?
– Comment written by a college professor on a college paper done by a student: “Thesis awful!”
-The baseball game was in the final inning and the home team was trailing the other team by one run when its best hitter strode to home plate. The hitter took a mighty swing at the first pitch and the ball soared deep into the outfield and all of a sudden a pig ran out of the stands, swallowed the ball and then escaped through a hole in the fence. The umpire, after some deliberation, declared the game tied and ruled that the hit was an inside-the-pork homerun.
Bob Batz is a local resident and guest columnist.